Which is best?
- To reveal the truth and hurt those who have believed the lie?
- Or to allow the lie to continue in order to protect those who have believed it?
If someone’s life is based on a lie, doesn’t that hinder them from being all that they could be, if they knew the truth?
By maintaining a lie, who are you really protecting?
- The one who has believed the lie?
- Or yourself?
By maintaining the lie, so as not to hurt those who have believed the lie, do you continue to hurt the person who was originally harmed by the lie over and over again, each time the lie is repeated or maintained?
Is the old saying, “The truth hurts,” really true? And if so, how does that line up with scripture? Is it really the truth that hurts? Or is it that those who have believed the lie now have to come to terms with the fact that their lives have been built on lies, which were bound to crumble beneath them?
Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal truthfully are His delight.
(Proverbs 12:22 NKJV)
Scriptures tell us that lips that lie are an abomination to the Lord… The Hebrew word for abomination is Tow`ebah, which means a disgusting thing, abomination, abominable… If we repeat or maintain a lie, our very lips are vile and disgusting to the Lord. In fact, He looks on our lips with loathing if we speak a lie…
On the other hand, if we want the Lord to look on us with delight, we need to be truthful, according to His word. That means that we can no longer continue to uphold or maintain the lies that have been spoken for years by and to our families.
Those of you, like me, who have come from abusive and dyfunctional families know what it is like to live a lie. We know what it is like to be forced to maintain and uphold that lie, at all costs. So many of you, like me have been told that we must never discuss the abuse against us, because that would only serve to hurt other family members. Of course, no one stops to consider what the lies have cost you, the victim of the lies and the abuse.
The pain that many of us have suffered from the physical, sexual and emotional abuse didn’t just end with the act of the abuse. Instead, the pain was exacerbated by the lies that were also told, in order to protect the abusers. Lies were told about us when we acted out as a result of the abuse, in order to turn friends and family members against us, while protecting our abusers. For those of us who fled from the situation, sometimes leaving our family behind in order to protect ourselves, we were often portrayed as cold, heartless, and uncaring, for breaking the hearts of our loved ones. Because they didn’t know the truth, members of our extended family have rejected us, leaving us to feel alone, unloved and unwanted.
It’s a vicious cycle. As long as we continue to maintain the lie, we are destined to remain forsaken by those family members who only know the lie.
And yet, this leaves us with another problem. For you see, there are still those family members that you dearly love, who know the truth, but they do not want you to reveal the truth, because they say that this will only cause others to suffer and hurt. It’s sort of like a catch-22. You’re an abomination to God if you don’t speak the truth in all things… And you’re an abomination to those family members that you dearly love and yearn to have a relationship with when you do speak the truth…
Have you been there? For too many years to count, this deep, dark family secret was kept, in order to “protect others from being hurt,” while the lies repeatedly ripped your heart into shreds. Because no one outside your immediate family knew the truth, did your aunts and uncles, your cousins and friends, look on you with condemnation for hurting your “poor parents” who lavished you with love? Did they believe the lies that your immediate family spewed about you? Were you, like me, estranged from your family, because you were the bad seed, who never gave your parents the love and the respect that they deserved? Were you the bad child — the hateful daughter who caused your parents years of undeserved pain and suffering? No one ever knew the pain and rejection that you suffered, and yet again and again, were you told to uphold the lie?
My beloved brothers and sisters, do you long to do the right thing, but because of the pain and lies that have been repeatedly told to you through the years, do you question what is really right? Do you wonder if you should speak the truth, or continue to lie in order to “protect others” from pain? Do the lies really protect anyone? Or do the lies cause more pain to those family members who want to love you, but can’t, because they believe that you are cruel and unkind to your family members? What does God say about truth?
“But the time is coming and is already here when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for anyone who will worship Him that way. For God is Spirit, so those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth.”
(John 4:23-24 NLT)
You see, it was the truth that set me free, and it is my desire that all of you walk in freedom from the spirit of deception that has destroyed our relationships. Indeed, my prayer is that your families and mine would all be set free from the terrible destruction of lies. Jesus makes it clear that the only way to be set free from the bondage and pain of lies is to know the truth…
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
(John 8:32 NLT)
There is no point in hiding the truth from our families, because it does not shield them from pain. You see, by continuing to agree with, maintain or uphold the lies that have been told to protect our abusers, we forsake the truth, which brings freedom. When we withhold the truth from our family members, “to protect them from being hurt,” we prevent our loved ones from being set free by the truth. I don’t want to be guilty of withholding freedom from those that I love, do you? We need to understand that all of the things done in darkness will one day come to light as Jesus said…
“For everything that is hidden or secret will eventually be brought to light and made plain to all.”
(Luke 8:17 NLT)
I have determined that I want to leave my children and my grandchildren a legacy of truth and love, not because I am any better than my parents were, but because I know the truth, and I have been set free. With the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I will speak the truth in love, to all I come in contact with, and I will no longer silently condone the lies that have been spoken against me.
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
(Ephesians 4:15 NIV)
I will share the truth with my children and my grandchildren, and with anyone else who wants to know the truth. I will share the truth, not to turn people’s hearts against those who abused me, because my abusers also suffered a lot of pain, and the truth is that I loved my abusers. I hate what was done to me, but I love those who hurt me, and I truly pray that they made their peace with God and received His forgiveness as I have.
My prayer for each one who reads this post is that you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. I pray in Jesus’ name, that you would leave a legacy of truth and love for your families and friends, too. God bless you!
Cheryl A. Showers
- Dear Sister… (behindthemaskofabuse.com)
- Day 51: Accept That the Truth Hurts (365daystohappinessproject.wordpress.com)
- Truth or lie with Children (wordsfortheplainjanes.com)