My Dearest, Beloved Daddy,
It’s me again, you know, your needy and almost always desperate daughter. Have I told you lately how much I love you and need you? Sometimes, I get so caught up worrying about my own issues and needs that I forget to let you know how much I love you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
I know you’ve heard me say it lots of times, but I feel like even if I say it over and over again throughout eternity, I’ll never be able to express my love for you and my need for your approval. And I know you’ve shown me over and over again how much you love me, but the truth is that I don’t always feel lovable, and even if you shower me with your love throughout eternity, I’ll still need to hear you say, “I love you, Cheryl and you are the apple of my eye.” Could you just tell me once more?
I know I probably sound like a hopeless mess, but why should I bother trying to hide it? It is what it is, right? Daddy, I want you to be proud of me. I want your chest to swell with pride as you look at me and say, “That’s my baby.”
You know, I worry about so many things. Oh, I know, I can just see you shaking your head at me and telling me, “Child, get it together. Worrying isn’t going to add another day to your life, and if you keep on worrying, it’s just going to lead you to an early grave.” But Daddy, sometimes it’s really hard not to worry.
I know you say you love me, but I can’t help but think I’m a big disappointment to you. I know I disappoint me. You see, I try so hard to hold myself together, and do the right things, but somehow, I still manage to screw things up. I get so frustrated with myself, you know? I don’t know why – ok, now I’m lying… I do know why I don’t feel like I’m good enough, and you know it too.
Daddy, I’m 51 years old, and it’s so hard for me to change how I see things. Anyway, I’m trying really hard to do what you’ve asked me to do. Remember when you told me to start writing again? Wow. I hadn’t written in many years, and then you told me to start writing everyday, so I took your advice and I started writing.
I started this blog called Burning Fire Shut Up In My Bones, and since October, when you told me to start writing again, I’ve been doing it everyday, just like you told me. So far, I’ve written 81 posts. Actually, this one’s number 82. Not too bad for having only started in October, huh?
And you know what, Daddy? It’s like a forest fire. I would have thought I would have gotten tired of writing by now, but it’s like a fire raging through dry prairie grass. The words flame within me, and if I try to suppress them or hold them back, they just burn in my belly and I can’t rest until they are out of me. Is that why you told me to start writing again, Daddy?
So anyway, Daddy, I was just wondering… Are you reading everything I’ve been writing? Do you like what I’m writing? Does it make you proud of your little girl?
I know I shouldn’t be too worried about what other people think about my writing, but there’s no use in lying to you, is there Daddy? You know me too well, and I do worry about whether my writing touches other people, and I won’t even lie to you, I get so excited when that little orange comment box, or star or + sign lights up by my name, and I see that someone has either “liked”, commented or started following my blog. It’s like an affirmation that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, you know?
But as much as it blesses me to see that other people approve of my writing, it’s your approval that I really need. Daddy, do I express myself well? Do you think I’ve done a good job in sharing everything you’ve taught me about life and love? When I complete those flaming words, and you read them, do they make you smile?
The only thing I really, really need is your approval. Even if nobody else ever “liked” another word that I’ve written, and even if everyone stops following me, and nobody ever even looks at the words I’ve written, it would make me sad, but I could handle that, as long as I know that YOU read and “like” the words I’ve written.
So, in closing Daddy, could you let me know what you think of my blog? I think I’ll continue writing as long as you keep putting those flaming words inside of me. Thank you, Daddy for the gift you’ve given me. I love you so, so much!
Your Daughter Cheryl
P.S. – When I saw the title of this daily prompt, this song immediately came to mind, and I knew that you were the one I wanted to write to! Listen and be blessed, Daddy.
- Daily Post: Audience of One (swozy.wordpress.com)
- Daily Writing Prompt:Audience of One | Renato Vasconcellos David